Therapeutic Fibbing: A Compassionate Approach to Dementia Care
Hi, SF Bay Area family!
It’s Gina from GoldLeaf Homecare, and today, I want to talk about something that might sound a little surprising at first: lying to someone with dementia. I know—it feels counterintuitive, right? We’re taught to value honesty above all else, especially with the people we love. But when it comes to dementia care, there’s a compassionate approach called “therapeutic fibbing” that can make a world of difference for both caregivers and their loved ones.
If you’ve ever cared for someone with dementia, you know how heartbreaking and frustrating it can be when they’re caught in a loop of confusion or distress. Maybe your dad keeps insisting he has to catch a train to work—even though he retired 20 years ago. Or maybe your mom asks when her sister is coming over, not remembering that she passed away years ago. What do you do? Correct them? Remind them of the truth? Or… is there another way?
Let’s talk about why therapeutic fibbing can be the kindest response in moments like these—and how it’s not about deception, but compassion.
What Is Therapeutic Fibbing?
Therapeutic fibbing is a caregiving strategy where you tell a small “fib” or go along with your loved one’s version of reality to ease their anxiety or confusion. It’s not about manipulation—it’s about meeting them where they are and choosing kindness over confrontation.
For example:
• If your dad insists he needs to get to work, instead of correcting him, you might say, “It’s a holiday today, so no work! Let’s sit and have some coffee.”
• If your mom is looking for her sister, you might gently say, “She’s out running errands, but she’ll be back soon.”
These small adjustments can help avoid unnecessary distress while keeping the peace. It’s a way of saying, “I see you. I hear you. And I’m here to make sure you feel safe.”
Why Experts Recommend It
At first, the idea of fibbing might feel wrong or even uncomfortable. I get it—many caregivers struggle with this at first. But experts agree that therapeutic fibbing can be one of the most compassionate tools in dementia care. Here’s why:
It Reduces Anxiety and Confusion
Imagine how frustrating it must feel to hear “No, that’s not true” over and over when you genuinely believe it is. Therapeutic fibbing lets you sidestep that frustration and keep things calm.
It Protects Their Emotional Well-Being
Correcting someone with dementia can inadvertently make them feel embarrassed, ashamed, or upset. Fibbing allows you to preserve their dignity.
It Builds Trust
When you meet your loved one in their reality instead of forcing them into yours, it strengthens your bond and shows that you’re on their side.
It’s Rooted in Compassion
Therapeutic fibbing isn’t about lying for convenience—it’s about prioritizing their comfort, safety, and peace of mind.
When Is Therapeutic Fibbing Useful?
Not every situation calls for fibbing, but it can be incredibly helpful in certain scenarios, such as:
• Avoiding Emotional Pain: If your loved one asks about a deceased relative, reminding them of the loss might trigger grief again. A gentle fib like, “They’re out for a bit” can spare them that pain.
• Managing Unrealistic Plans: If they’re insisting on going to a job they no longer have or attending an event that doesn’t exist, therapeutic fibbing can redirect them without causing distress.
• Easing Time Confusion: Many people with dementia believe they’re living in a different time period. Instead of correcting them, go along with their timeline to keep the conversation peaceful.
How to Practice Therapeutic Fibbing with Compassion
Therapeutic fibbing isn’t about creating elaborate stories—it’s about finding simple, kind responses that make your loved one feel safe and understood. Here are some tips to get started:
Stay Calm and Reassuring
Your tone matters more than your words. Speak gently and with genuine care, focusing on easing their emotions rather than the facts.
Example: If they’re upset about missing an appointment that doesn’t exist, try saying, “Don’t worry, it’s rescheduled. Let’s relax for now.”
Redirect Their Focus
Use therapeutic fibbing as a way to guide the conversation toward something positive or engaging.
Example: If they’re asking about someone who has passed, you might say, “Let’s look at some photos together while we wait for them.”
Keep It Simple
Overcomplicating the fib can backfire. Short and sweet responses are often the most effective.
Example: “It’s a quiet day today, let’s enjoy some tea.”
Be Kind to Yourself
If fibbing feels strange or uncomfortable at first, that’s okay. Remind yourself that this approach is about love and care, not dishonesty.
Finding the Balance Between Truth and Compassion
One of the most common questions I hear from caregivers is, “How do I balance being truthful with being kind?” The answer lies in understanding your loved one’s needs in the moment. If the truth will cause confusion, pain, or distress, it’s okay to prioritize their emotional well-being. Therapeutic fibbing isn’t about tricking them—it’s about helping them feel safe and loved.
Wrapping It Up: Kindness Over Perfection
Caring for someone with dementia is a journey filled with both beauty and challenges. There’s no perfect script, no one-size-fits-all answer. But therapeutic fibbing is a tool that can help you navigate those tough moments with compassion and grace. It’s a reminder that, at the end of the day, what matters most isn’t the facts—it’s the love and understanding you bring to the relationship.
If you’re navigating dementia care and feeling unsure about how to approach certain situations, know that you’re not alone. At GoldLeaf Homecare, we’re here to help with resources, support, and a team that truly cares.
With love and care,
Gina Martinez
President, GoldLeaf Homecare
(650) 861-8228 | www.goldleafhomecare.com